Portland Failure, Back to Houston

As I suspected, the lead I have just investigated in Portland, Oregon was a big, fat flop. I arrived at the alleged location of a cactus sighting at around 2:30 this afternoon, but I was surprised to find that it was an apartment complex with no yard. I spoke with the couple living in the apartment complex who reported the sighting, and they told me that a small, green, light-up cacti had been placed on their front porch two days ago, but when they went outside this morning, it had vanished. I became suspicious and conducted a little more investigation. After all, I hadn't driven all the way across the country to find it to be a big hoax. I spoke with a neighbor that lived in one of the apartments upstairs, who said she had gone to borrow a few eggs the other day. She confirmed that there was, in fact, never any appearance of a Christmas ornament of any kind. On top of that, the landlord of the apartment complex told me that all holiday-themed decorations were not permitted in the apartments, and the renters who claimed to have the cactus on their porch had never broken any of the rules. To be sure that I didn't leave without being utterly convinced that there was no cactus appearance, I went to the Waffle House that was next door to the apartments and asked the part-time assistant manager if any of their parking lot security cameras had a view of the apartment. Luckily, "WafHos_ID361_CAM04" had a decent view of the apartment unit under investigation. He gave me a tape with the past two days of camera footage (thanks to our donors and merchandise customers who funded our new CCIB credentials and badges) and after scientifically reviewing each hour of footage that was recorded, it became obvious that there was no cactus at all; only a UPS deliveryman and a stray cat. Maybe the couple just wanted publicity like the Floridan potato farmer of '06. Who knows, but we do not wish to press the issue and become wrapped up in some crazy delusion. On to greater things...

Today Great Uncle Derick and Field Unit Van #3 (complete with a new spare tire thanks to our faithful donors) left for Tennessee to investigate a reported victim's yard being "devoured by a horde of Santa Clause-themed desert plants," according to the report details. From the email it sounds like there are many cacti in the yard. Meanwhile Ernie is still systematically mapping out the Houston, Texas area looking for clues, but all for naught so far, for there have been no leads, clues, hints or sightings of any holiday-themed cacti at all, only a Christmas Tamale and a few inflatable Mexican jalapenos (common sight in the South with their spices and whatnot) .

For our donors', here is a report of how your generous aid is going to be used to continue the search for the terror of the Christmas Cactus. Today I will be heading to join Ernie in Houston and will be checking my email in the Public Library in Salt Lake City for any leads. If Field Unit Van #1 holds up, I hope to join cousin Ernie soon.

As always, if you have any information leading to the discovery of the Christmas Cactus, or to report a sighting, please email us at legendofthechristmascactus@gmail.com.

Faithfully searching,
Mr. E