A New Year and a New Tool in the Search for the Elusive Christmas Cactus

Welcome to all of our friends and co-investigators who have over the years sought to solve the age-old mystery of the elusive Christmas Cactus. This legend has been passed down from generation to generation, and as long-time Cactus hunters know, we here at the Christmas Cactus Investigation Bureau have been on the forefront of the mystery for the past decade. Based here in beautiful Carnegiea (a town of doubters and naysayers if I do say so myself), my quest to locate and solve the Christmas Cactus legend began in my childhood when Grandpa E told me the story of how he became yet another victim of the legend back in 1930. Poor old Grandpa E, he was so shocked by the sudden appearance of the Christmas Cactus in his front yard that he was struck speechless for three weeks! The following year, Grandpa E. officially launched the Christmas Cactus Investigation Bureau International, which I later took over to allow Grandpa E. to rest in the peace of retirement, knowing that he had dedicated his life to serving the world by seeking to solve the legend.

Since then, myself, my brother in-law's third cousin, Great Uncle Derick, and my father before me have all been on the trail of the elusive mystery that preys upon unwary people and poses a great threat to Christmas cheer (not to mention health, safety, and property values).

As the legend goes, the Christmas Cactus appears mysteriously around the Christmas holidays, carried no doubt by characters of certain dubious intent, apparently to 'beautify' unfortunate homes who have failed to decorate. This motive is unconfirmed, but records of the legend dating back to medieval times seem to bear this out.

Today's Christmas Cactus takes the form of a hideous inflatable thing, occasionally seen with a Santa Claus hat and held in place by wires. In decades past the Christmas Cactus has been photographed, showing it to have been a hard plastic monstrosity illuminated with a light bulb. Prior to the advent of photography, the Christmas Cactus was described as a paper mache statue painted green with a large Santa Hat according to period newspaper reports. In the pre-colonial era, Puritan minister Ronald Wilkerdean preached on the evils of the "Cacti Noel", described as a 'wood and clothe contraption' that was 'lyklie from the devil'. Unfortunately for Minister Wilkerdean, the Cacti Noel was discovered in his root cellar and his ruse was exposed. Despite pleas for leniency, citing the village's statute regarding 'goode natured pranking', Rev. Wilkerdean was sentenced to be run out of town on a rail.

So the legend continues. No one knows who the mysterious and timeless cadre of shady characters who perpetrate this tacky and unwelcomed affliction. No one since the DeMoines Incident in 1948 has seen a Christmas Cactus planter. No one has apprehended these shady workers of hooliganism. But we are closer than ever.

Now, in 2004, with the advent of this thing called a "Blog", the Christmas Cactus Investigation Bureau now has a new tool! We hope to uncover this mystery once and for all. With the broad audience of blogging, we now move from a fax network, ads in local Greensheet newspapers, and notices on grocery store cork-boards into the Computer Age! We will also be discontinuing our monthly newsletter, since all of our mailing list members in the CCIB Alert Network should have access to this interweb thing. Besides, my cousin and faithful assistant, Ernie, broke the copy machine down at the corner store last month, so we can't make more newsletters anyhow.

We will get to the bottom of the mystery, or at least make substantial dents in the mystery for those who follow in our footsteps. For the season of 2004, we will be posting any sightings, leads and info right here, so check back often!